Threshold. What it takes, the thunderous energy, impossible vitality, to get to a state of relaxation, a feeling that I have adequate energy and vitality… “You need a sail,” suggests Joshua when I tell him it feels like Tom Hanks in Cast Away trying with all his might to get beyond the surf and become un-lost. Sometimes it seems not worth the effort, the expenditure far greater than the reward.
I drove back home alone with the girls after a weekend trip to Denver to see my mom. Heading south, the blessing of a special on Paraguayan guitarist Augustine Barrios filled the public radio station and lulled my daughters into dream or dream-like reverie, while the sun moved over and down and my oldest looked out the window and let the mountains form her personal topography as they did mine, thirty years before. How they will call her back, no matter how far she may travel…
I want to be pregnant again; not that I bask in the changes of pregnancy, but I need to give life to another baby; to see the dynamic fractals — cresting and leeward consciousness that reflects Creation in all its truth and beauty — continually form new expanses within one tiny soul…
And somewhere along the ride, I quietly, effortlessly, slipped over my own previously unconquerable mountain. I was surrendered to God’s will, beholding peace, dissolved in it like sunlight particles over the Sangre de Cristos.
To be freed from the fear of the future is to be healed.
©2017, Amaya Engleking