What the Heart Desires

I came into the room to see my six month-old daughter chewing on a ladybug and listening to Hare Krishna Hare Rama.

I never wanted to be a mom. I’d look at mothers around me with their horde of messy faces and lost shoes. How it took all weary-long morning just to get out the door. And then they’d go around telling people every little cutesy thing their kids did that day. That kind of life repelled me. Where was the depth?

But what is life, after all? Here I am (once again) becoming that which I once detested, sharing every expression my daughter makes and savoring the simple joy that comes from heaps of onesy laundry. And, you know, this is how I know God exists and is working in my life. I am not and cannot be attached to an ideal that shapes my identity, but by ‘leaving it all to God’s will,’ I am shown the true longing of my heart, which is usually very far from what I would have reasoned.

This way of transformation is amazing to me. I do not become that to which my ego was once attracted, but that which I once did not understand and out of ignorance, wanted nothing to do with! So in realizing this seeming paradox, then yielding to God, our transformed selves also become beings of total compassion, leaving no room for hatred.


© 2015, Amaya Engleking



  1. canach · January 23, 2016

    Hello – I don’t have a lot of time on the internet, but decided to look at your blog. I can identify with your feelings. I was ambiguous about becoming a mother. I had to change a lot in the process and that is painful. Sometimes what we think we want and what is actually good for us are different things. I can say all the cliches about it being worth it in the end, and I really mean them, but sometimes it is still exhausting, even when they are bigger. At the moment I am training to do a different job from the one I did before I had children. Not my ego’s first choice of course, but what felt deep down to be the right thing.

  2. annalrussell · January 24, 2016

    I and many others appreciate your transparency. I think of you often.

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